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Utterly OT. I’m a social retard…..

johnwhitfield

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Ok this is nothing to do with pinball but I needed to share something with a group of people who are similarly lacking in social skills.

About two months ago we had a family from Afghanistan move in next to us. We’ve seen them a few times and nod hello. Basic London type greeting.

Anyway about three weeks ago the wife caught Anna outside and mentioned she didn’t know anyone in London and I suspect few people in the country. She then invited her to pop round sometime for food. Lovely offer but we’re on different pages in terms of life stages. We’re 20 years older and the kids are 10-15 years older. As such we kind of tried to kick the offer into the long grass. Felt a bit guilty about it but frankly we haven’t got the band width to make new friends at the moment.

Anyway this afternoon the doorbell rang and the mum and her middle child were there with a tray of food. I had to go outside as the dog was kicking off but we had a very brief conversation in stilted broken English and I thanked her for bringing the food round. A little random but I thought I handled the situation well.

Now this was a lovely thing for someone to do and what happened next is going to sound awful. She had made us something called Kabuli Puligo. Looked lovely. Came in several different dishes. Looked really well cooked and presented. The problem is neither myself or Anna eat meat and the boy is no longer at home. Becca ate some and said it was really tasty. It consisted of lots of lamb and rice etc. However, there’s only so much food a seven stone girl is going to eat.

So we’re discussing upstairs about it being socially awkward. They’ve done a lovely thing and I feel like I’m throwing it back in their face. We need to return the plates etc but do we admit we couldn’t eat it as it contained meat? Also we’re desperate for this not to escalate. We’ll get them a card/flowers to say thanks and maybe Becca can bake a cake in a couple of weeks time but I don’t want to become the only point of contact for them, lovely as they seem.

Worse still we’re now going to have to cook tea downstairs. What do I do if they come round to get their tray and plates and see me cooking 1 hour after they’ve made us food?

So I snuck downstairs, froze what I could for Becca and the dog is looking hopeful. Hit upon the genius idea of pulling down all the blinds and covering the glass in the door and start to make tea.

Just started to cook and Becca came downstairs and said ……

….. “Dad, when you took the tray what did the woman say? Do you think she wanted to come in and eat the food with us?”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I’m the worst person in the world.

I’ve just stolen someone’s dinner and shut the door in their face. There’s a special place reserved in hell for people like me!

Worse still, I’ve nicked her crockery just to take the **** even further.

So I’m now sitting with uneaten food and neighbours who think I’m a total ****.

Even by my standards this is bad. Naturally Anna and Becca are ****ing themselves at me.

Please tell me I’m not the only person who does stuff like this. I just miss social cues. Last week my line manger was telling me that she had to go to her aunt’s funeral. Her family is short lived and she died at 45. Her mum died at 28 and her brother at 33. My sympathetic response was “so I guess you’re not topping up your pension then”. WTF. Luckily she took that in the spirit that it was meant but seriously I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with people without supervision
 
Please tell me I’m not the only person who does stuff like this

You're not don't worry! I would probably tell them that Becca enjoyed it but you don't eat meat when you return the dish or you'll be getting it forever. I was eating lemon meringue pie for 10+ years even though I hate lemon curd because MIL served it once and I said it was delicious, so I got it every time we visited until hubby one day took pity on me and spilled the beans.

Also once had an acquaintance I knew from walking the dog knock on the door one day, to me, for no reason. When I retold the story to hubby because I thought it was weird he said 'yeah she wanted you to invite her in for coffee'. I had no idea.
 
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Wouldn’t worry too much.
They would have slaughtered the lamb next door and cooked up the tray feast.
Dog is gonna be happy with the outcome.
 
John
having been married to a Turkish Cypriot (soon to be divorced) I’m very used to a plate full of food being passed over the fence in the home in Cyprus. I was told it’s rude to return the plate empty, my wife would bake a cake and that was given in return.
Only last week my friend from Cyprus was over, his mum who lives in Peckham gave me a plate full of Dolma my favourite, no way Im I baking a cake, a box of tea bags was placed on the plate when I returned it.
Happy days 😉
 
Took me way longer than it should of to cotton on when I was at home and Anna said that “if you want to can you put the washing on” wasn’t actually dependant on if “I wanted to”.
I don’t mind being given a list of instructions. When it’s phrased as a question I feel like I’m about to be caught out 😂
 
A trip to the chippy to repay the favour (optional if you remove it from the paper).

In all seriousness, best option is to come out and say you're Veggie and appreciated the thought but only Becky was able to enjoy the food.
 
Took me way longer than it should of to cotton on when I was at home and Anna said that “if you want to can you put the washing on” wasn’t actually dependant on if “I wanted to”.
I don’t mind being given a list of instructions. When it’s phrased as a question I feel like I’m about to be caught out 😂
This is my main 'problem' , picking up on social cues. Why the hell don't people just say what they mean?
My ex boss used to hate. She'd say "I asked if you could do this" my response would be along the lines of you didn't say you wanted it done.
The fact that I could recall almost every conversation verbatim didn't seem to help when I quoted it back to her.

It obviously ****ed her off greatly, as on one occasion she started screaming at me about something, and then called me by her husbands name! (Later found out they were going through a divorce).
At least after that episode HR transferred her.
 
My ex boss used to hate. She'd say "I asked if you could do this" my response would be along the lines of you didn't say you wanted it done.
The fact that I could recall almost every conversation verbatim didn't seem to help when I quoted it back to her.
I'm a bit like that.... Which is why i hate interviews (being interviewed) so much.

I want to give people the specific answer they are looking for... however this needs a specific question. Anyone can do the whole "name a time when..." type stuff... but to me someone needs to ask a clear and conscise question... only then will they get a clear specific answer :)

I think it's just engineers (Or Ex-engineers in my case!).... :)
 
At one time in work there were only 28 men and 1600+ women/girls in the whole of the organisation where I work.

Within the sixth form block there were just two men out of 450 or so people. Then Luke had to take 2 months off sick. 😱. It’s a good day when only two girls end up in tears about something. Nothing is like an emotional rollercoaster more than a building packed with teenage girls. Bizarrely I’m actually far better at picking up on those emotional signals than I am with adults.

Similarly I’ve now had to admit defeat on the idea that I can teach people to turn the aircon on and just LEAVE THE BLOODY THING ALONE. it’s a constant stream of girls adjusting it 🤬
 
As a 46 year old diagnosed with adhd I feel your pain, I’m the king when it comes to screwing up social situations. You think it’s hard for you guys, try being an impulsive over thinker with very little filter between what’s thought in my brain and what comes out my mouth 🤣
 
As a 46 year old diagnosed with adhd I feel your pain, I’m the king when it comes to screwing up social situations. You think it’s hard for you guys, try being an impulsive over thinker with very little filter between what’s thought in my brain and what comes out my mouth 🤣

That's me too. Undiagnosed but suspected (and suggested) for a few years now!


. I just miss social cues

Definitely not alone here!
I really struggle with social cues, conversations, especially in groups.
 
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Ok this is nothing to do with pinball but I needed to share something with a group of people who are similarly lacking in social skills.

About two months ago we had a family from Afghanistan move in next to us. We’ve seen them a few times and nod hello. Basic London type greeting.

Anyway about three weeks ago the wife caught Anna outside and mentioned she didn’t know anyone in London and I suspect few people in the country. She then invited her to pop round sometime for food. Lovely offer but we’re on different pages in terms of life stages. We’re 20 years older and the kids are 10-15 years older. As such we kind of tried to kick the offer into the long grass. Felt a bit guilty about it but frankly we haven’t got the band width to make new friends at the moment.

Anyway this afternoon the doorbell rang and the mum and her middle child were there with a tray of food. I had to go outside as the dog was kicking off but we had a very brief conversation in stilted broken English and I thanked her for bringing the food round. A little random but I thought I handled the situation well.

Now this was a lovely thing for someone to do and what happened next is going to sound awful. She had made us something called Kabuli Puligo. Looked lovely. Came in several different dishes. Looked really well cooked and presented. The problem is neither myself or Anna eat meat and the boy is no longer at home. Becca ate some and said it was really tasty. It consisted of lots of lamb and rice etc. However, there’s only so much food a seven stone girl is going to eat.

So we’re discussing upstairs about it being socially awkward. They’ve done a lovely thing and I feel like I’m throwing it back in their face. We need to return the plates etc but do we admit we couldn’t eat it as it contained meat? Also we’re desperate for this not to escalate. We’ll get them a card/flowers to say thanks and maybe Becca can bake a cake in a couple of weeks time but I don’t want to become the only point of contact for them, lovely as they seem.

Worse still we’re now going to have to cook tea downstairs. What do I do if they come round to get their tray and plates and see me cooking 1 hour after they’ve made us food?

So I snuck downstairs, froze what I could for Becca and the dog is looking hopeful. Hit upon the genius idea of pulling down all the blinds and covering the glass in the door and start to make tea.

Just started to cook and Becca came downstairs and said ……

….. “Dad, when you took the tray what did the woman say? Do you think she wanted to come in and eat the food with us?”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I’m the worst person in the world.

I’ve just stolen someone’s dinner and shut the door in their face. There’s a special place reserved in hell for people like me!

Worse still, I’ve nicked her crockery just to take the **** even further.

So I’m now sitting with uneaten food and neighbours who think I’m a total ****.

Even by my standards this is bad. Naturally Anna and Becca are ****ing themselves at me.

Please tell me I’m not the only person who does stuff like this. I just miss social cues. Last week my line manger was telling me that she had to go to her aunt’s funeral. Her family is short lived and she died at 45. Her mum died at 28 and her brother at 33. My sympathetic response was “so I guess you’re not topping up your pension then”. WTF. Luckily she took that in the spirit that it was meant but seriously I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with people without supervision
That’s a tough one, to be honest.

Your neighbour has a cultural norm you’re not familiar with, and you have a cultural norm/taboo (vegetarianism) which means the food sharing (a human universal gesture of friendship :) ) wasn’t appreciated as much as it could have been. The mutual language barrier doesn’t help.

I’d send something nice back on the (washed) plate that is culturally compatible with everyone. I’d personally opt for simple homemade biscuits after Googling common Afghan food taboos (to ensure you don’t accidentally offend them by cooking with a taboo food). Then, unless the entire family are all currently on a diet, your return gift looks caring, considered and is unlikely to be accidentally unwelcome.
 
I've had a similar experience with a lovely polish family who kept on giving me pickled stuff and fish 🤢.

You have to tell them you're veggie though. If you don't this will continue because they clearly like you. If you don't nip it in the bud you'll be pretending to eat an awful lot of food.

If I were you, I'd make them your favourite veggie dish to return the favour and use that as the opportunity to explain.
 
Don’t worry about it, only the other day a neighbour who is an estate agent stopped in his car while I was walking the dog.
I don’t give a you know what ‘what’ people think of me, we had a conversation and I told him the dog was ok (new rescue dog) as I previously had one he was sh1t scared of. People don’t tend to stop and talk with these dogs😂 Anyway he asked what I was doing these days and I said “ nothing work is for mugs” and then he drove off to work 😂

Im the same mate don’t worry about it, maybe get some veggie recipes off them😋

A social retards dogs😂
 

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Say thank you and tell them you are veggie. Also as they are Afghans there is a large chance they are a muslim family so anything you cook for them more then likely will not be eaten as they will not know if all the ingredients are halal or made in a halal way many products we would think are halal are not.
 
As a 46 year old diagnosed with adhd I feel your pain, I’m the king when it comes to screwing up social situations. You think it’s hard for you guys, try being an impulsive over thinker with very little filter between what’s thought in my brain and what comes out my mouth 🤣

As a 52 year old diagnosed with autistm, I totally feel the pain of this too. Social awkwardness and me go hand in hand. I'll totally misread a sitauation, then I'll spend days filled with anxiety afterwards, wondering what I should have actually done.

It's fun. 😂
 
Cheers guys. I’ve now got some flowers and a card to send back.

I asked the girls at school about it. They were really puzzled as to why someone wouldn’t be randomly delivering food to a neighbour. One of my year 13s said “we always give food to our neighbour. She loves our Indian food and is really lovely although she’s a crackhead”. 😱

It would be less strange if I thought other people had also received something but I suspect it’s just us.
 
John, I have been in this situation before.
The moment someone talks about cooking us/me a meal, I quickly tell them our diets will make you not want to cook for me. If they ask, I explain the things I can't or won't eat, or my wife can't and won't eat. If they make it to the end of the list understanding, then we get a cake. Most give up but our last new neighbour did cook my wife some food, but refused to cook me anything based on how ****e it would taste. :rofl:
 
John, I have been in this situation before.
The moment someone talks about cooking us/me a meal, I quickly tell them our diets will make you not want to cook for me. If they ask, I explain the things I can't or won't eat, or my wife can't and won't eat. If they make it to the end of the list understanding, then we get a cake. Most give up but our last new neighbour did cook my wife some food, but refused to cook me anything based on how ****e it would taste. :rofl:
It's not pescatarian low-sugar Keto, is it? (i.e. my diet) 😈
 
As a 52 year old diagnosed with autistm, I totally feel the pain of this too. Social awkwardness and me go hand in hand. I'll totally misread a sitauation, then I'll spend days filled with anxiety afterwards, wondering what I should have actually done.

It's fun. 😂
My "Flipper Beast" (i.e. my six year old) is autistic. He's very polite and charming - we get compliments on his manners all the time - but he's evidently using formal politeness as a mask and he finds it exhausting.

He's currently got a 1-to-1 in school, but I'm hoping he'll find things easier as he gets older🤞

[@David_VI and @Lecari have seen the Flipper Beast in action. He was the little fellow cradling a ball on Gigi in PBR :)].
 
I am intolerant to the allium group, onions, garlic, leeks, chives, shallots. It causes an autoimmune issue, that at best makes me feel like I have flu. At worst, projectile vomiting to flush my system. And I am vegetarian.
People who enjoy cooking, rarely enjoy cooking for me.
I do check if they follow Jain, as their food is lovely for me.
 
I am intolerant to the allium group, onions, garlic, leeks, chives, shallots. It causes an autoimmune issue, that at best makes me feel like I have flu. At worst, projectile vomiting to flush my system. And I am vegetarian.
People who enjoy cooking, rarely enjoy cooking for me.
I do check if they follow Jain, as their food is lovely for me.
Wow, sorry to hear that 😥

Cakes and biscuits sound fine though 🍰🥮 I can't organise big birthday parties for my kids, due to the Flipper Beast's sensitivity to noise/crowds, so I always share 'serves 12' birthday cake recipes with neighbours 🎂😀
 
My "Flipper Beast" (i.e. my six year old) is autistic. He's very polite and charming - we get compliments on his manners all the time - but he's evidently using formal politeness as a mask and he finds it exhausting.

He's currently got a 1-to-1 in school, but I'm hoping he'll find things easier as he gets older🤞

[@David_VI and @Lecari have seen the Flipper Beast in action. He was the little fellow cradling a ball on Gigi in PBR :)].

Yeah, masking is very common in people with autism, as I'm sure you're well aware. I think most of us do it to some extent. It is exhausting, as most social situations are. I had no idea I was autistic until I was in my 30s, hearing a woman from the NAS on the Jeremy Vine show talking about Aspergers. I knew i was 'different' but that was all. Listening to the Lady from the NAS talk though, i was just listening to something on the radio to start with, but the more she talked, the more I thought 'she could be talking about me'. I did the test, that they had on the NAS website, and while not an official diagnosis, that confirmed it. I only plucked up the courage to get myself properly assessed about 5 years ago. It's not easy to go to a GP alone and say 'i'd like you to refer to be assessed for autism please' hehe.

But anyway, I'm rambling and derailing the thread. But I do want to say, it's wonderful that kids with autism these days are more likely to be recognised and get more support. That type of thing just didn't happen when I was a kid of course. I hope it makes things a little easier for the flipper beast. If we ever meet at a club / fest I hope he gets the chance to kick my backside at pinall 😁
 
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