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geardownthreegreens
I jumped in a "Black cab" just now and said "Waterloo please mate". He replied, " the station ", I replied,"Well I'm a bit f..kin late for the battle!!"
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geardownthreegreens
The stunner next door just came to my door complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police.....
I nearly shat her pants...
I nearly shat her pants...
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geardownthreegreens
I just bought a new mobile,made in Malaysia. Put it in flight mode and I can't find the damn thing.......
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geardownthreegreens
Its when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is some other way to solve problems than by violence 
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geardownthreegreens
Bit late for this now.....
David Moyes has promised man Utd fans that they will be in a major European competition next year, even if he has to write the song himself...
David Moyes has promised man Utd fans that they will be in a major European competition next year, even if he has to write the song himself...
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geardownthreegreens
I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl today.
I asked him, " Is she your girlfriend?"
Smiling, he said, " What gave it away?"
I replied, " A zoo, by the looks of it !" .....
I asked him, " Is she your girlfriend?"
Smiling, he said, " What gave it away?"
I replied, " A zoo, by the looks of it !" .....
Not fair I only remember sick jokes so can't really post any of them
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geardownthreegreens
Oh I got plenty of them lol
A bald cat got on the bus and the conductor said where's your fair ( fur)
.... re-edited. Watch this space. 
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I've been watching for ages, nothing happening. ?
Be patient, been looking through my phone folder of jokes but all a bit too risky.... 
We like risky............... don't we.
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geardownthreegreens
Pilots names from missing Malaysian flight have been released.
They are; Sum Tin wong and Ho Lee Sh*t
They are; Sum Tin wong and Ho Lee Sh*t
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geardownthreegreens
I thought I'd volunteer at a self harm support group last night.
It was all going well until I got up and said I was going for a slash......
It was all going well until I got up and said I was going for a slash......
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geardownthreegreens
My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night and swore they tasted just like his wife's p++sy.
He thought it was just his imagination, but everyone in the pub said he was right.....
He thought it was just his imagination, but everyone in the pub said he was right.....
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geardownthreegreens
Special bargain, get yourself a Man Utd lamp as it looks great in the middle of the table..... 
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geardownthreegreens
About 20minutes ago the missus caught me on a porn site.
She says if she ever catches me on it again she will bang my head against the f..kin keyboarcchhjjihhurrbhuvvdhkkklssnbabsiige
She says if she ever catches me on it again she will bang my head against the f..kin keyboarcchhjjihhurrbhuvvdhkkklssnbabsiige
OK....
Scientists have found that women have the same DNA as shrimps.... Their heads are full of sh*t but their pink bits taste lovely.
JIM 
Wash your brain with soap and go to your room.
Wash your brain with soap and go to your room.
John evenJIM
Wash your brain with soap and go to your room.
John even
Wasn't me... It was Jim... honest !
He is Jim when he is naughty.
Sorry for getting your name wrong Jeremy.
Sorry for getting your name wrong Jeremy.
I'll get my coat and just leave quietly.
I met a Genie today and he granted me one wish...
"I want to live forever" I said
"Sorry I can't grant a wish like that" he said
"Fair enough" I said "I want to die the day Liverpool win the league"
"Ahh ********, well played" said the Genie....
"I want to live forever" I said
"Sorry I can't grant a wish like that" he said
"Fair enough" I said "I want to die the day Liverpool win the league"
"Ahh ********, well played" said the Genie....
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geardownthreegreens
What has the Kama Sutra and a cookbook got in common?
Whatever my wife tries from it- it looks f... all like the picture...
Whatever my wife tries from it- it looks f... all like the picture...
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geardownthreegreens
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled back the sheet to show her blonde hair,blue eyes and pretty face. " I can't be certain" I said.
The sheet went back further to reveal her creamy white breasts and perky pink nips. " Sorry, i'm still not sure".
They took the sheet completely off. I stared at her pale body and shaved tw*t, " That's definitely not her" I said.
"Are you sure?" " Yep, my girlfriend black".........
They pulled back the sheet to show her blonde hair,blue eyes and pretty face. " I can't be certain" I said.
The sheet went back further to reveal her creamy white breasts and perky pink nips. " Sorry, i'm still not sure".
They took the sheet completely off. I stared at her pale body and shaved tw*t, " That's definitely not her" I said.
"Are you sure?" " Yep, my girlfriend black".........
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geardownthreegreens
Today I gave my wife a taste of her own medicine.
I took her into 10 different pubs, only to go back to the first pub for a drink...
I took her into 10 different pubs, only to go back to the first pub for a drink...
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geardownthreegreens
I think pet names for couples is nice.
I call my wife Panda.
She's fat,lazy,sleeps 23 hrs a day, never wants to have sex & as a result, sports 2 black eyes....
I call my wife Panda.
She's fat,lazy,sleeps 23 hrs a day, never wants to have sex & as a result, sports 2 black eyes....
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geardownthreegreens
My wifes sister knocked me out yesterday. I was livid.
What kind of sick cow puts chloroform on her dirty knickers....
What kind of sick cow puts chloroform on her dirty knickers....