What's new
Pinball info

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Life challenges thread

JT.

JT.

Site Supporter
Joined
Jul 24, 2011
Messages
2,956
Location
North West UK
I participated in a thread on another forum where this worked quite well, and bearing in mind our community, I hope it will work here too.

I guess I'm not alone in having to deal with a life ****-storm, so this thread is basically meant to be cathartic, and maybe to get sound advice from others who have been in a similar situation.

My problem is a long winded story unfortunately. My mum suffered from Alzheimer's for maybe 15 years, but my dad looked after her as best he could at home until the year before last. Her situation went down hill massively and it was clear my dad couldn't manage any longer - he's severely alcoholic, but functioning, but it became too much for him. I intervened - I live 2 hours away from him, so this was not easy - but eventually after pretty much moving in with him over the course of a few months, managed to get him to agree that she should be put in a care home where they could look after her.

For several weeks afterwards he was adamant she should be brought back to live with him, but that became immaterial as she started to lose the ability to swallow. Several A&E panics later, where they rehydrated her to bring her back to 'life' before she went back to the care-home to dehydrate again, me and my brothers managed to write a 'letter of intent' using the power of attorney that we shared over her, which stated that she should not be given life prolonging treatments, only treatments that made sure she was not distressed. A few days later she died in the care home. Writing your mum's death sentence is something I can recommend to noone.

I found this massively challenging; I am the eldest of three brothers and thus am very paternal (as might be apparent from any of my posts where I have the vague inkling a social injustice has happened), and seen by them as such - so felt it kind of fell on me to fix the problem. I managed to physically sort through all this, but it hit me mentally. I've suffered from depression for several years, and this tipped me over the edge for a good six months.

The alcoholism of my dad has always been hard work. If you speak to him before 10am, then he is coherent, but after that it is gibberish. Unfortunately, in retrospect, the symptoms of being ****ed out of your head, and having Alzheimer's, are very similar. So last year, he was diagnosed with it too. It's become apparent that his lack of ability to speak coherently in the recent past is actually because he had the disease too, rather than just being bladdered as before.

So then, to now. His mental health has been decreasing massively over recent months. My brothers and I have all asked him to move near us, to buy a house for him, or into a care home, but he has always refused - he built the house he now lives in back in the early seventies, and quite reasonably is very reluctant to leave. But he has reached the point of being incapable to look after himself (e.g. he has to phone us for help in order to know to plug a plug into a socket to make it work).

Before XMAS though, he eventually agreed to go into a care home, and so me and my brothers managed to find one that was nice that was 5 miles away from one of them (he refused to move near me, because it was too far away). He went in there last Wed at lunch time, and on Thursday morning we got a call from the manager of the place to say he had to move out because he had been abusive to a member of staff, and was continually asking to leave.

So on Thursday we moved him back to his house, but now after a few days (at least when he is cognizant, which is not all the time by any means) he is very apologetic, realises he has made a mistake, and was hoping to go back to the home. But they won't have him, so that option is gone for now at least.

So, at the moment, I'm trying to talk to his GP next week to see if we can get some medication that a) would help with the fact that he is clearly depressed and b) maybe help calm him during the transition to a different care-home if we can find one. Along with trying to work out if there is a way that we can invoke the Lasting Power of Attorney we hold over him in order to take decisions on his behalf, or if we need to go down the route of invoking the Mental Health Act and having social services assess him; so informing them that he can't look after himself and we can no longer look after him (I don't expect that would end well though, so really do not want to go that route - too impersonal and I worry he'd just become a 'number' in the social service machine).

Sad stuff. If anyone has been through this sort of stuff with dementia before, then I'd appreciate a PM, because we are not sure yet if there is a means to legally take control of his decisions (because he is not capable on his own), whilst maintaining a bit of control. Money is not a problem as such, so we would like to be able to make sure he is in a care-home that is good, but also one that will manage the transition period rather than just ask him to leave the following day. I'm planning on calling the Alzheimer's Society office tomorrow to see if they can help, and his GP to see what we can do with meds, but any other advice greatly appreciated.


So, sorry about that massive spiel! I'm not sure what I expect or hope for from this thread. Advice on PM from anyone who has been through this stuff before, a few nice words, but maybe most of all that someone else living through a **** storm shares their story too.
 
Last edited:
Sometimes just writing it all down can be a help, even though you've been through it all in detail for years.

Is he planning on quitting drinking? Because that will be at least as challenging as the rest of it.

That thing about signing off on a DNR for your mum, that stuck a chord with me as I had to do the same with my mum in 1999. You didn't sign her death sentence dude, you signed a respect notice, none of us would want to be kept clinging on to life with no quality, I'd be desperate to hope that someone would pull the plug on me when the lights had all gone out upstairs, so you did her a massive favour there and should feel proud as I know she would be grateful to you.

My life is in the toilet right now for a different reason, and I may get to that later. All I can offer your situation now is that what you are doing is the greatest gift a child can give their parent, and that is love and care. What will be will be, after the storm the sun will eventually come out.

One minute you're getting the superjackpot, the next you multidrain leaving an extra ball unclaimed on the table. Life is ups and downs and not generally fair. Like pinball.
 
JT - never been trough this but I hope it goes as well as it can. It might be worth to go see a family lawyer on the power of attorney (check your home insurance they often have legal cover that would cover the costs).

Also for those reading sorting out power of attorney early can save a lot of heartache later.
 
cooldan said:
Sometimes just writing it all down can be a help, even though you've been through it all in detail for years.

Is he planning on quitting drinking? Because that will be at least as challenging as the rest of it.

That thing about signing off on a DNR for your mum, that stuck a chord with me as I had to do the same with my mum in 1999. You didn't sign her death sentence dude, you signed a respect notice, none of us would want to be kept clinging on to life with no quality, I'd be desperate to hope that someone would pull the plug on me when the lights had all gone out upstairs, so you did her a massive favour there and should feel proud as I know she would be grateful to you.

My life is in the toilet right now for a different reason, and I may get to that later. All I can offer your situation now is that what you are doing is the greatest gift a child can give their parent, and that is love and care. What will be will be, after the storm the sun will eventually come out.

One minute you're getting the superjackpot, the next you multidrain leaving an extra ball unclaimed on the table. Life is ups and downs and not generally fair. Like pinball.
Click to expand...

I don't think he'll ever give up drinking through choice @cooldan, but if he was given a change of environment I do think he could be weaned off it; he's had a few medical issues in the recent past that have forced him to stop because he has been hospitalised. Such a better man to talk to because of it as well, but as soon as he left, he was straight back on it :-(

My youngest brother ( 8 years my junior) hit the nail on the head this week when we were talking about how to help my dad. Dealing with your mum dying, having no respite, then watching your dad go down the same route, is mentally tough stuff.

I don't want to come across as just being sorry for my self though. Everyone has stuff to deal with, whatever form it takes, but we have a good community here - hopefully I don't freak too many people out with this.
 
Only up the road JT. My worst was 99. Three grand parents and my mum lost and another thing I can't air. If you'd like to talk mate, might help you and me? I dunno. ...
 
  • Like
Reactions: JT.
Just seen this thread. Certainly puts the small problems I have into perspective. All too often we go through crap without talking about it to others. Women tend to be far better at discussing things and I think they are better off for it. I know there's little practical help or advice I can offer but hopefully airing the issues will be helpful for you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: JT.
cooldan said:
Sometimes just writing it all down can be a help, even though you've been through it all in detail for years.
Click to expand...

I think it is helpful for me, so I'll continue my diary of a **** up :)

So this week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. After the problems with putting my dad into a care home last week, I contacted the Alzheimer's Association and got some good advice about how to handle arranging another care home for my dad, whilst trying to eliminate the problems from our first experience. Primarily, they advised to ensure that the care home were fully trained in caring for dementia patients - so many of them market themselves as able to manage that illness, but a lot are not trained or qualified to do that at all. They also advised on the process needed to invoke the power of attorney (LPA) over my dad by a healthcare professional, to determine whether he is capable of taking a decision about his own care, or whether my brothers and I, using the LPA, can legally take that decision on his behalf. They also suggested possible medication for my dad to help him through the transition to a care home - e.g. sleeping tablets to help him at night, and anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for during the day. All of this was positive stuff, and my dad has an appointment with his GP next week to have these discussions.


The only snag was, my brother who lives closest to him, so is on the front line and fielding most of the regular phone calls and stresses when my dad has a meltdown, took it upon himself to put my dad into another care home near himself, just for daytime, without any of the above actions being implemented first. The outcome was quite predictable: multiple phone calls from my dad having a meltdown and asking to be taken home. Which eventually resulted in my brother losing the plot with my dad down the phone, and having a bit of a meltdown himself.


My brother's reaction to those problems, bearing in mind he is on the front line, as it were, was to reach the conclusion in his own mind that the best thing to do is just to leave my dad in his own house, following the same routine with 2 * carer hours coming to visit him per day - because, since he has moved back to his own house again, he hasn't been phoning my brother multiple times a day asking for help with the most minor of things (e.g. plugging in a phone to charge it). Bear in mind too, that last week, the same brother was of the opinion that the carers coming in offered nothing in terms of 'care' - e.g. the house smelt of ****, mess everywhere, etc.


So that's the down part of this rollercoaster. I think the advice and plan we had/have for my dad is sound, but now my brother, who's physically nearer and therefore has to deal with the brunt of the problems, has now convinced himself that doing nothing is the right way forwards. I suspect that approach will workout for less than 5 days before we are back to square one again. On a positive note though, he's agreed to accompany my father to his GP on Thursday and still talk to him about the advice from the Alzheimer's Society, although I need to go over to be there too just to get an idea of how the problem is presented to the GP.


And then next Friday, me and my 2 brothers are getting together at my place to discuss everything. The right thing to do seems clear to me, but my brother has a different perspective. Hopefully we can just reach some compromise and then enjoy an extended Friday night session in the pub together. Who knows though?
 
You'll reach a compromise and have a few beers on Friday and feel a bit better. Your dad will need lots of help at the start, when you or your bro talk to his GP, don't forget to ask about the boozing too, he may need some meds to help with that.

Keep the weekly progress reports coming, think of this place as a handy alternative sounding board, we're all on your side and your dad's as well. As oldest brother don't rule out that you may have to go live up there for a few weeks if possible to shoulder the burden initially. Sucks but will only be a bad memory a year from now.

Good luck my friend.
 
So sad this. Stay strong JT for your own and your father's sake.
 
  • Like
Reactions: JT.
My Dad would have been 70 today, but we lost him to cancer at age 61 :( Can't believe it's been nearly 10 years.

I did my 24hr pinball marathon a few years back in aid of cancer research and raised thousands. Much of the donation coming from the awesome community on here and in the pin scene. Thanks again guys.

Everyone raise a glass to all those we have lost too early.

Keep on keeping on people.

GrizZ


Sent from my D5503 using Tapatalk
 
Sgt GrizZ said:
My Dad would have been 70 today, but we lost him to cancer at age 61 :( Can't believe it's been nearly 10 years.

I did my 24hr pinball marathon a few years back in aid of cancer research and raised thousands. Much of the donation coming from the awesome community on here and in the pin scene. Thanks again guys.

Everyone raise a glass to all those we have lost too early.

Keep on keeping on people.

GrizZ


Sent from my D5503 using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
A toast to a fallen soldier. Stay well and take care Grizz :(.
 
Hi JT a truly sad story. I hope sharing it has helped in some way. I note it's been a few weeks since your last post so hope you've managed to get somewhere and the situation has improved as much as it can.

Stay strong
 
How's it going, JT? any update on your dad situation?

my own situation took a positive turn today - i divorced reasonably amicably late last year and moved out in January, have been living in a 2-3 bed flat the last 6 months, a big difference from the last 13 years in a 4 bed house with garden .... but i didn't care about that, i worried about the possibility of losing my son, my proudest achievement and greatest pleasure in life. My ex-wife (of 17 years) is from Taiwan and our 5 year old, Dylan, has been living a week in turn with each of us ever since, while she has been trying, unsuccessfully to get a job this last 6 months. she will do well from me financially from the split but had said that if the job thing didn't work out before the end of the summer, that she would seriously consider upping sticks, selling up and leaving the UK for good to relocate back to Taiwan, a country she left in 1985. it wouldn't be a legal certainty that she could take Dylan back there with her, but would be entirely up to chance and the opinion of the individual judge assigned to the case if she ever decided to go that route (i would fight it tooth and nail), as some judges may think a child should always be with the mother unless she is a drunk or a druggie (she is neither), despite the fact that he has started school and always lived in the UK .... so it was a battle i was dreading with increasing impending doom these last few months as she has failed at interview after interview, and the options started to dry up.

today i learned that she has landed a job and so will hopefully stay in the UK so Dylan can continue to grow up with both mum and dad within a mile of each other and both happy and independent, instead of growing up either in a lonely quiet home where mum and dad never spend time together (how would that affect his future relationships and his view of married life?), or with one of his parents while the other was 5000 miles away.

so i feel like celebrating as the dreaded spectre takes a step away from my front door, and maybe i can go on to better things after all. but no booze this week for me, as Dylan is with me until Saturday.
 
Fantastic news Dan.

It's always tough when going through those sorts of situations; I split from my first wife about 14 years ago and it was hard enough trying to arrange contact with my daughter when she moved just 30 miles away to Lincoln. I can't even imagine how tough it would be to have the prospect of them taking your son overseas with them. It's great to hear she's landed a job and hopefully it will give you all some stability to move forward.

And as a single guy you can now have as much octopus porn as you want delivered to your house without worrying about recriminations. ;)
 
I turned a corner too - my dad is now in a good care home, and he's happy in it, so that's a massive weight off my mind. And that helped me mentally to stabilise. I feel in a good place right now, reducing anti-depressants and hopefully will ditch them altogether soon, but we'll see - nothing too quickly.

I'm delighted for you too @cooldan - life can be a **** sometimes and it's hard to see the positives, but sometimes stuff just happens and it all gets good again :)
 
Just caught this thread. JT & Dan, good to see you both have had some good news at last.

Unfortunately we are all probably victims of 'that age', ie getting older. Like sucks at the best of times but as you get older you have to deal with these sort of issues, it just seems like a fact of life. I've had to deal with dementia, long term partner break up, cancer deaths etc etc. I currently have a load of sh*t on my plate but your only options are to soldier on.

Life is that roller coaster and I'm hoping for some good news myself soon but when that will happen I don't know.

It's funny, my interest are (obviously) pinball but I love movies and video games. Why? Probably because they remove you from reality for a period of time and you forgot about how sh*t the world can actually be.

To top things off I can't get my kids to leave home so my wife and I can enjoy the rest of our days together. They seem to be very reluctant but being aged 10 I sort of understand. (sorry, bit of light banter!)

Anyhow, keep strong all and I will try to stay positive my self. One day, just maybe one day, I will buy that Minty White Water for £350! Now THAT is positive thinking!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom